I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
