It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
