and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
