I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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