I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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