A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
