Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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