The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
