i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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