Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
