At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
