well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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