I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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