I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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