I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
