Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
