so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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