god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
