i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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