That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
