My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
