My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
