He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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