Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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