Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
