hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
