if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
