pop tarts are not kleenex
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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