there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
