What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I did not marry a roomba.
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