in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
