There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
