I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
