the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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