I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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