i think my mom watched the whole time
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
