I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
