I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
