Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
