just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
