Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
