What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
