My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
