I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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