That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you had me at cake vodka
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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