this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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