i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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