you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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