so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
