He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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