I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
